Switzerland VS The World

Faithful friends of Switzerland, This project tells the story of the unique visual match between Switzerland and the rest of the world. Red Rivella flows in your veins like it does in ours, and Cenovis keeps your joints well oiled. You are the children of Sempach, courageous and stouthearted, and mere mention of the Habsburg dynasty gives you hives.  Like William Tell, you would shoot an arrow through the heart of anyone who would dare jeopardize 700 years of direct democracy, and like Winkelried, you find that the arrogance of the mighty is a bitter pill to swallow. You think that the mafia is the national dish of Italy and that the word ‘strike’ was invented by the New York Yankees to demoralize their competition. And even when you listen to Wagner, you have no desire to invade Poland or annex Austria. On the other hand, you know that Ovomaltine and Ragusa are not contagious diseases. In a nutshell, you have a Swiss soul. And, like us, you think that all those recent attacks against Switzerland were motivated by chocolate-envy. Nobody gave us a second thought during two world wars while the rest of Europe was tearing out each other’s guts, and now, not a day goes by that someone doesn’t find a new reason to pick on us : bank secrecy, the minaret law, the HSBC Affair, the UBS Affair, the Polanski Affair, the Kadafi Affair… Poor Switzerland. The time when we were a model for the entire world, exchanging Japanese tourists for Toblerones, is a thing of the past. Having begat the Red Cross, Bircher Muesli and Jean-Luc Godard is no longer enough. The battle cry has finally sounded. Our opponents are formidable, but we must remember the lessons of Morgarten : “ It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog ”. The Swiss teams are ready on all fronts to defend their honor. Gentle Switzerland rises from the ashes of neutrality and counterattacks. Long live Switzerland !
Riverboom Publishing

www.riverboom.com


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  • Switzerland versus the World

    Switzerland versus the World

    Switzerland versus the World

  • Beard

    Beard

    Switzerland was never one to shirk a challenge. As
    far as facial hair goes, who would have ever doubted
    Afghanistan’s superiority in all categories ? Nevertheless,
    thanks to the lessons learned from the Battle of
    Morgarten in 1315, when the Swiss Confederation singlehandedly
    defeated the Holy Roman Empire, the Swiss
    team decided not to let itself be outclassed by such a
    formidable opponent. The attack of the Tajik, Fattoullah,
    with his Judah’s beard tapered to a point, is met with the
    subtle redness of Michael the Obwalden’s wooly fleece.
    Rather than resorting to a tactical defense, the Helvetian
    responds to his adversary, blow for blow. To the black,
    dense and arrogant beard of Seyed Ahman Jan, a
    Pashtun from Farah Roud, Peter, from Interlaken (canton
    of Bern), retorts in his powerful style reminiscent of
    William Tell, misleadingly hirsute but not lacking pizzazz.
    In the end, Gerhard Schmidbauer, from a remote valley
    in the canton of Graubunden, scores the golden goal.
    His limpid expression seems to say to his Pashtun
    rival : “ My hat may not be as impressive as your turban,
    but my beard touches my pants ”. Switzerland wins the
    match in overtime and the age-old adage is once again
    confirmed : No one can come up to our lederhosen !

    Beard

  • Beard

    Beard

    Switzerland was never one to shirk a challenge. As
    far as facial hair goes, who would have ever doubted
    Afghanistan’s superiority in all categories ? Nevertheless,
    thanks to the lessons learned from the Battle of
    Morgarten in 1315, when the Swiss Confederation singlehandedly
    defeated the Holy Roman Empire, the Swiss
    team decided not to let itself be outclassed by such a
    formidable opponent. The attack of the Tajik, Fattoullah,
    with his Judah’s beard tapered to a point, is met with the
    subtle redness of Michael the Obwalden’s wooly fleece.
    Rather than resorting to a tactical defense, the Helvetian
    responds to his adversary, blow for blow. To the black,
    dense and arrogant beard of Seyed Ahman Jan, a
    Pashtun from Farah Roud, Peter, from Interlaken (canton
    of Bern), retorts in his powerful style reminiscent of
    William Tell, misleadingly hirsute but not lacking pizzazz.
    In the end, Gerhard Schmidbauer, from a remote valley
    in the canton of Graubunden, scores the golden goal.
    His limpid expression seems to say to his Pashtun
    rival : “ My hat may not be as impressive as your turban,
    but my beard touches my pants ”. Switzerland wins the
    match in overtime and the age-old adage is once again
    confirmed : No one can come up to our lederhosen !

    Beard

  • Motorbikes

    Motorbikes

    The debut of a disproportional visual match between
    Switzerland and the rest of the world is being played
    out on the splendid Chaoyangmenwai Dajie Avenue
    in Beijing. We can see the smile on Chuang Mu’s
    face, a name that loosely translates as “ Goddess of
    the bedroom and sexual pleasures ”, a claim that her
    husband and pilot “ Fragrant snow ” ( Xue Fang ) would
    not contradict. We are greeted by a Chinese team,
    overflowing with charm and lightness, sure of its victory,
    seated on a fleet of electric motorbikes, as elegant as
    they are silent. But when we turn to look at their Swiss
    opponents, we are filled with dismay. It’s one thing
    to have invented Blue Rivella and the Bathyscaphe,
    but something else to settle for a prehistoric division
    of self-propelled bicycles. Come on, Helmut ! How
    many hurricane Lothars will it take to obliterate your
    antiquated 1971 olive-green Sachs, with its spoke
    wheels and two-stroke engine, from the Hauptstrasse in
    Interlaken ? And I’m not talking about the Puches, Ciaos,
    Garellis and other KTM turbos that putt-putt across
    the landscapes of our beautiful country. This time,
    Switzerland loses – no contest – and no glory either.
    But the game is going to be long and we still have time
    for a comeback in the following pages.

    Motorbikes

  • Motorbikes

    Motorbikes

    The debut of a disproportional visual match between
    Switzerland and the rest of the world is being played
    out on the splendid Chaoyangmenwai Dajie Avenue
    in Beijing. We can see the smile on Chuang Mu’s
    face, a name that loosely translates as “ Goddess of
    the bedroom and sexual pleasures ”, a claim that her
    husband and pilot “ Fragrant snow ” ( Xue Fang ) would
    not contradict. We are greeted by a Chinese team,
    overflowing with charm and lightness, sure of its victory,
    seated on a fleet of electric motorbikes, as elegant as
    they are silent. But when we turn to look at their Swiss
    opponents, we are filled with dismay. It’s one thing
    to have invented Blue Rivella and the Bathyscaphe,
    but something else to settle for a prehistoric division
    of self-propelled bicycles. Come on, Helmut ! How
    many hurricane Lothars will it take to obliterate your
    antiquated 1971 olive-green Sachs, with its spoke
    wheels and two-stroke engine, from the Hauptstrasse in
    Interlaken ? And I’m not talking about the Puches, Ciaos,
    Garellis and other KTM turbos that putt-putt across
    the landscapes of our beautiful country. This time,
    Switzerland loses – no contest – and no glory either.
    But the game is going to be long and we still have time
    for a comeback in the following pages.

    Motorbikes

  • Size

    Size

    “ It’s not size that matters ”. This maxim, taken from the
    annals of popular wisdom, is intended to allay the fears
    of young males always ready to panic at the slightest
    mention of the subject. Since masculine honor is at the
    root of this lie, everyone pretends to believe it. Everyone
    except Hans-Rudolf from Appenzell who leads the Swiss
    team with his nano-blue convertible in today’s face-off
    with the team from Texas. He only knows too well that he
    is going to find himself in the locker room with Bill the
    Cowboy after the match and – popular wisdom or not
    – some bitter tears will be shed in eastern Switzerland
    tonight. But like in the story of David and Goliath, Hans-
    Rudolf is no dummy and knows how to take advantage
    of his small size : when a jihad was recently declared on
    Switzerland, life close to the ground made it possible
    to avoid mortal collisions with the morning kamikaze
    Boeings. A little bird told him : “ Take care of the flowers
    in your garden while waiting for the storm to pass. ” And
    in terms of secret garden, Appenzellers wives will tell
    you, it’s the little things that make the big difference.

    Size

  • Size

    Size

    “ It’s not size that matters ”. This maxim, taken from the
    annals of popular wisdom, is intended to allay the fears
    of young males always ready to panic at the slightest
    mention of the subject. Since masculine honor is at the
    root of this lie, everyone pretends to believe it. Everyone
    except Hans-Rudolf from Appenzell who leads the Swiss
    team with his nano-blue convertible in today’s face-off
    with the team from Texas. He only knows too well that he
    is going to find himself in the locker room with Bill the
    Cowboy after the match and – popular wisdom or not
    – some bitter tears will be shed in eastern Switzerland
    tonight. But like in the story of David and Goliath, Hans-
    Rudolf is no dummy and knows how to take advantage
    of his small size : when a jihad was recently declared on
    Switzerland, life close to the ground made it possible
    to avoid mortal collisions with the morning kamikaze
    Boeings. A little bird told him : “ Take care of the flowers
    in your garden while waiting for the storm to pass. ” And
    in terms of secret garden, Appenzellers wives will tell
    you, it’s the little things that make the big difference.

    Size

  • Outfit

    Outfit

    We will now address the subtle theme of elegance in
    this book. This match pits Switzerland against the North
    Pole. The team from Siorapaluc, the northernmost village
    on the planet, has the advantage of living at the top of
    the world where life evolves horizontally, eliminating the
    risk of bathophobia, better known to the initiated as the
    fear of falling from high places. In Switzerland, where
    the Earth’s curvature is more pronounced, residents use
    skis and headgear to prevent them from inflicting bodily
    harm on themselves. This no-nonsense environment
    shapes the body and the character of its citizens. Take
    Jennifer for example, perfectly balanced on her skis,
    wearing a purple ski jacket that shows off her golden
    locks while accentuating her hourglass figure. She
    is getting ready to glide down the Alpine slopes with
    the grace of a feline. In contrast, the merry prankster
    Quisuk Qaavigannguak, who is already slaloming
    without any obvious reason, is decked out in a stained
    moon suit that accentuates his ample waistline, and is
    getting ready to use his 7.65 mm rifle to gun down a fat,
    unsuspecting seal that will not live to regret the day.
    Since violence is not synonymous with elegance, the
    snow panther beats out the ice bear.

    Outfit

  • Outfit

    Outfit

    We will now address the subtle theme of elegance in
    this book. This match pits Switzerland against the North
    Pole. The team from Siorapaluc, the northernmost village
    on the planet, has the advantage of living at the top of
    the world where life evolves horizontally, eliminating the
    risk of bathophobia, better known to the initiated as the
    fear of falling from high places. In Switzerland, where
    the Earth’s curvature is more pronounced, residents use
    skis and headgear to prevent them from inflicting bodily
    harm on themselves. This no-nonsense environment
    shapes the body and the character of its citizens. Take
    Jennifer for example, perfectly balanced on her skis,
    wearing a purple ski jacket that shows off her golden
    locks while accentuating her hourglass figure. She
    is getting ready to glide down the Alpine slopes with
    the grace of a feline. In contrast, the merry prankster
    Quisuk Qaavigannguak, who is already slaloming
    without any obvious reason, is decked out in a stained
    moon suit that accentuates his ample waistline, and is
    getting ready to use his 7.65 mm rifle to gun down a fat,
    unsuspecting seal that will not live to regret the day.
    Since violence is not synonymous with elegance, the
    snow panther beats out the ice bear.

    Outfit

  • Cavalery

    Cavalery

    Cavalery

  • Heavy Artillery

    Heavy Artillery

    The time has come to take out the heavy artillery. On
    one side, the excellent military museum of Morges,
    whose visit we highly recommend, and on the other, the
    open-air museum of Afghanistan. On the Swiss side, ten
    splendid oiled and well-polished cannons on display,
    distant reminders of Napoleonic skirmishes and other
    forgotten battles of the 20th century. On the Afghan side,
    several heavy armored vehicles, all the worse for wear
    and imprudently used in real battles, from the Russian
    invasion of 1979 until yesterday morning. Afghanistan
    seems to have a predilection for interactive shooting
    matches with real enemies, a rather reckless attitude that
    generally leads to a response in the form of a anti-tank
    shell measuring some 115 mm. Even if you are protected
    by the heavy armor of a powerful T62, it could put a
    damper on your day. In fact, this is precisely where the
    Swiss differ from the Afghans : they consider that the
    prime purpose of artillery is decoration. Any other use
    is considered to be unreasonable and a potential health
    hazard. The Swiss win once again – by replacing cannon
    power with flower power.

    Heavy Artillery

  • Heavy Artillery

    Heavy Artillery

    The time has come to take out the heavy artillery. On
    one side, the excellent military museum of Morges,
    whose visit we highly recommend, and on the other, the
    open-air museum of Afghanistan. On the Swiss side, ten
    splendid oiled and well-polished cannons on display,
    distant reminders of Napoleonic skirmishes and other
    forgotten battles of the 20th century. On the Afghan side,
    several heavy armored vehicles, all the worse for wear
    and imprudently used in real battles, from the Russian
    invasion of 1979 until yesterday morning. Afghanistan
    seems to have a predilection for interactive shooting
    matches with real enemies, a rather reckless attitude that
    generally leads to a response in the form of a anti-tank
    shell measuring some 115 mm. Even if you are protected
    by the heavy armor of a powerful T62, it could put a
    damper on your day. In fact, this is precisely where the
    Swiss differ from the Afghans : they consider that the
    prime purpose of artillery is decoration. Any other use
    is considered to be unreasonable and a potential health
    hazard. The Swiss win once again – by replacing cannon
    power with flower power.

    Heavy Artillery

  • Chiefs

    Chiefs

    In the words of Genghis Khan, “ what difference
    does the size of the ramparts make if there is no
    good captain to defend them ”. So here it is, the
    battle of the chiefs : Swiss bankers against Afghan
    military leaders. In order to choose the winner, we
    must first define the qualities of a good captain :
    Integrity ? Courage ? Victory ? Wake up, all you good
    people who think that the world is a fair place. Not
    so. The real secret of a good guerilla or industry
    leader is, above all, flair, which can be had with the
    appropriate virile uniform, a red tie or a white cap.
    On this point, the score is tied. Next comes the basic
    survival instinct, the one that makes it possible not
    to sink with the ship. And there, the Swiss team
    clearly takes the lead. In Switzerland, regardless of
    the disaster incurred, punishment is never death by
    stoning or a fine, or even disgrace. On the contrary.
    This is how a civilized nation scores points on
    the ashes of bank secrecy and wins the match by
    choosing champagne over Kalashnikovs. Bubbles
    triumph over bullets. Long live Switzerland.

    Chiefs

  • Chiefs

    Chiefs

    In the words of Genghis Khan, “ what difference
    does the size of the ramparts make if there is no
    good captain to defend them ”. So here it is, the
    battle of the chiefs : Swiss bankers against Afghan
    military leaders. In order to choose the winner, we
    must first define the qualities of a good captain :
    Integrity ? Courage ? Victory ? Wake up, all you good
    people who think that the world is a fair place. Not
    so. The real secret of a good guerilla or industry
    leader is, above all, flair, which can be had with the
    appropriate virile uniform, a red tie or a white cap.
    On this point, the score is tied. Next comes the basic
    survival instinct, the one that makes it possible not
    to sink with the ship. And there, the Swiss team
    clearly takes the lead. In Switzerland, regardless of
    the disaster incurred, punishment is never death by
    stoning or a fine, or even disgrace. On the contrary.
    This is how a civilized nation scores points on
    the ashes of bank secrecy and wins the match by
    choosing champagne over Kalashnikovs. Bubbles
    triumph over bullets. Long live Switzerland.

    Chiefs

  • Cart

    Cart

    The contest here is about true ecological
    commitment and how to get to the root of a problem.
    In Switzerland, where the last civil war lasted for
    three weeks, we know that seven centuries of peace
    have taken their toll on the public morale – especially
    since you can’t even beat your wife or your dog
    anymore without a malicious neighbor turning you
    in. So, to relieve all that testosterone pressure, every
    Saturday is devoted to the war on grass, to the
    crescendo of a Briggs & Stratton symphony – quick,
    before the lawn takes on constitutional status. In
    Afghanistan, where it is totally legal to beat your wife
    and your donkey, no one would ever have the idea
    of importing a lawn mower. No way. In Afghanistan,
    if you want to get rid of your weeds, you start by
    selling your daughter for a barrel of weed killer that
    you carefully load on a wagon and then dump on
    your flower beds before the afternoon mortar fire
    begins. In that way, nothing will grow for the next
    twenty years, time to finish the last war and get
    ready for the next one. Just to think that our national
    mowers could be criticized on ecological grounds !
    In addition to ensuring the stability of our lawns, they
    ensure that of our peaceful democracy. Long live
    grass and long live Switzerland that wins one of its
    greatest visual victories over the rest of the world on
    its home turf.

    Cart

  • Cart

    Cart

    The contest here is about true ecological
    commitment and how to get to the root of a problem.
    In Switzerland, where the last civil war lasted for
    three weeks, we know that seven centuries of peace
    have taken their toll on the public morale – especially
    since you can’t even beat your wife or your dog
    anymore without a malicious neighbor turning you
    in. So, to relieve all that testosterone pressure, every
    Saturday is devoted to the war on grass, to the
    crescendo of a Briggs & Stratton symphony – quick,
    before the lawn takes on constitutional status. In
    Afghanistan, where it is totally legal to beat your wife
    and your donkey, no one would ever have the idea
    of importing a lawn mower. No way. In Afghanistan,
    if you want to get rid of your weeds, you start by
    selling your daughter for a barrel of weed killer that
    you carefully load on a wagon and then dump on
    your flower beds before the afternoon mortar fire
    begins. In that way, nothing will grow for the next
    twenty years, time to finish the last war and get
    ready for the next one. Just to think that our national
    mowers could be criticized on ecological grounds !
    In addition to ensuring the stability of our lawns, they
    ensure that of our peaceful democracy. Long live
    grass and long live Switzerland that wins one of its
    greatest visual victories over the rest of the world on
    its home turf.

    Cart

  • Walls

    Walls

    A strange similarity exists between our tiny little country
    and great big China : this morbid urge to build a wall.
    I use the term “ wall ” intentionally because I am not
    talking about a vulgar little heap but, instead, about
    a relatively complex structure intended, with a little
    luck, to make it through the first winter. Our Chinese
    friends seem to prefer bricks, with the troublesome
    consequence that you wake up one sunny morning and
    what do you see at the end of your garden – an eternal
    wall, ten thousand kilometers long, visible from the
    moon and purported, according to the false claims in
    the advertising brochure, to prevent Mongol invasions.
    In Switzerland, the judicious use of wood did not spare
    us a similar fate when some over-zealous bureaucrats
    suffering from the same nervous tic had the amusing
    idea of applying the method to reinforced concrete
    Toblerones, to the detriment of our (until then) virgin
    countryside. So much for the illusory feeling of safety
    provided by walls, Switzerland and China are tied.

    Walls

  • Walls

    Walls

    A strange similarity exists between our tiny little country
    and great big China : this morbid urge to build a wall.
    I use the term “ wall ” intentionally because I am not
    talking about a vulgar little heap but, instead, about
    a relatively complex structure intended, with a little
    luck, to make it through the first winter. Our Chinese
    friends seem to prefer bricks, with the troublesome
    consequence that you wake up one sunny morning and
    what do you see at the end of your garden – an eternal
    wall, ten thousand kilometers long, visible from the
    moon and purported, according to the false claims in
    the advertising brochure, to prevent Mongol invasions.
    In Switzerland, the judicious use of wood did not spare
    us a similar fate when some over-zealous bureaucrats
    suffering from the same nervous tic had the amusing
    idea of applying the method to reinforced concrete
    Toblerones, to the detriment of our (until then) virgin
    countryside. So much for the illusory feeling of safety
    provided by walls, Switzerland and China are tied.

    Walls

  • Pair

    Pair

    Pair

  • Hobby

    Hobby

    We are now going to take a look at some sweaty and
    macho rituals that males of the human race resort
    to in order to indulge in full body flight, dust-diving,
    head first, and general head bashing, their own. Since
    $20,000 watches and ostentation are de rigueur today,
    it is reassuring to observe that a virile minority of
    diehards continue to get their faces rubbed in the dust
    for our viewing pleasure, without much financial reward.
    Winston Churchill, no fool himself, defined success as
    the ability of going from one failure to the next without
    any loss of enthusiasm. From this point of view, it is
    difficult to choose between our Texan and Obwaldian
    friends, since both of the teams’ players show the same
    fierce determination combined with total self-sacrifice in
    an activity that can only end with their head in the dirt.
    We must therefore look for inspiration in another quote,
    taken from the French film, “ The Hate ”, by Mathieu
    Kassovitz : “ It’s not the fall that’s important, it’s how you
    land ”. Because even if Scott Johnson does his double
    backwards somersault with the grace of a young gazelle,
    Michael Spichtig and Erwing Röthling win the jury’s vote
    with their double forward nose dive. Bravo !

    Hobby

  • Hobby

    Hobby

    We are now going to take a look at some sweaty and
    macho rituals that males of the human race resort
    to in order to indulge in full body flight, dust-diving,
    head first, and general head bashing, their own. Since
    $20,000 watches and ostentation are de rigueur today,
    it is reassuring to observe that a virile minority of
    diehards continue to get their faces rubbed in the dust
    for our viewing pleasure, without much financial reward.
    Winston Churchill, no fool himself, defined success as
    the ability of going from one failure to the next without
    any loss of enthusiasm. From this point of view, it is
    difficult to choose between our Texan and Obwaldian
    friends, since both of the teams’ players show the same
    fierce determination combined with total self-sacrifice in
    an activity that can only end with their head in the dirt.
    We must therefore look for inspiration in another quote,
    taken from the French film, “ The Hate ”, by Mathieu
    Kassovitz : “ It’s not the fall that’s important, it’s how you
    land ”. Because even if Scott Johnson does his double
    backwards somersault with the grace of a young gazelle,
    Michael Spichtig and Erwing Röthling win the jury’s vote
    with their double forward nose dive. Bravo !

    Hobby

  • Speciality

    Speciality

    Speciality

  • Speciality

    Speciality

    Speciality

  • Toy

    Toy

    So, how do the Swiss perform on a playground ?
    In China, the kingdom of the only child, the child is
    king and has his own car. He sometimes even has
    the privilege of building it himself, thanks to China’s
    permissive child labor laws. The distressing result of this
    type of education is not surprising : a fleet of vehicles
    as motley as they are whimsical – a catastrophe in the
    making and a time bomb for the safety of the Middle
    Kingdom. In Switzerland, where education is taken
    very seriously, we expect our children’s toys to have a
    real visual identity, capable of bringing together worlds
    as antinomic as Saint-Gall VW, Argau Skoda or Vaud
    BMW police cars. The confederal imagination is subtly
    expressed through accessories. The wailing toy siren,
    the flashing plastic royal blue “ stop ” sign, the Playmobil
    cop who asks for your papers, and the eternal black
    Playmobil action figure, the intercantonal favorite that
    always makes the kids laugh, with his hands tied behind
    his back, saying “ ain’t me, ain’t me ”. That’s why safety
    is child’s play for a responsible democracy. Undeniable
    victory for Switzerland.

    Toy

  • Toy

    Toy

    So, how do the Swiss perform on a playground ?
    In China, the kingdom of the only child, the child is
    king and has his own car. He sometimes even has
    the privilege of building it himself, thanks to China’s
    permissive child labor laws. The distressing result of this
    type of education is not surprising : a fleet of vehicles
    as motley as they are whimsical – a catastrophe in the
    making and a time bomb for the safety of the Middle
    Kingdom. In Switzerland, where education is taken
    very seriously, we expect our children’s toys to have a
    real visual identity, capable of bringing together worlds
    as antinomic as Saint-Gall VW, Argau Skoda or Vaud
    BMW police cars. The confederal imagination is subtly
    expressed through accessories. The wailing toy siren,
    the flashing plastic royal blue “ stop ” sign, the Playmobil
    cop who asks for your papers, and the eternal black
    Playmobil action figure, the intercantonal favorite that
    always makes the kids laugh, with his hands tied behind
    his back, saying “ ain’t me, ain’t me ”. That’s why safety
    is child’s play for a responsible democracy. Undeniable
    victory for Switzerland.

    Toy

  • Brute

    Brute

    Maziar, champion of the Iranian team, could have
    greeted his Swiss counterpart with the following
    words : “ Ghadamet rooyeh cheshm ! ” The literal Farsi
    translation is “ walk on my eyes ”, meaning “ Welcome to
    my home ”, or, “ I am only dust at your feet ”. We should
    remember that Iran invented good manners, useful for
    knowing more about its opponents – backgammon to
    more effectively calculate its next move, and the Islamic
    revolution to scare the living daylights out of its enemies.
    Maziar could therefore have legitimately claimed victory
    in this new round of our visual competition. But that
    was before the arrival of Andreas Gwerder, a native of
    the Muotathal Valley, erroneously described as a limited
    genetic pool. On the contrary, native Muotathalers learn
    early to get to the nitty-gritty : grab your opponent’s
    leather shorts before he knows what hit him and pin
    him to the ground. Sure, Maziar would have liked to
    sweet talk him by reciting a poem by Hafez, by telling
    him how Iranian women were granted the right to vote
    ten years before their Swiss counterparts, or about the
    harmonious cohabitation of Christian belltowers and
    Muslim minarets in Tehran. But Andreas isn’t easily
    fooled. Before Maziar could even begin, his interreligious
    dialogue finished head first in the sawdust. Hats off to
    Switzerland who takes the trophy for the biggest brute.

    Brute

  • Brute

    Brute

    Maziar, champion of the Iranian team, could have
    greeted his Swiss counterpart with the following
    words : “ Ghadamet rooyeh cheshm ! ” The literal Farsi
    translation is “ walk on my eyes ”, meaning “ Welcome to
    my home ”, or, “ I am only dust at your feet ”. We should
    remember that Iran invented good manners, useful for
    knowing more about its opponents – backgammon to
    more effectively calculate its next move, and the Islamic
    revolution to scare the living daylights out of its enemies.
    Maziar could therefore have legitimately claimed victory
    in this new round of our visual competition. But that
    was before the arrival of Andreas Gwerder, a native of
    the Muotathal Valley, erroneously described as a limited
    genetic pool. On the contrary, native Muotathalers learn
    early to get to the nitty-gritty : grab your opponent’s
    leather shorts before he knows what hit him and pin
    him to the ground. Sure, Maziar would have liked to
    sweet talk him by reciting a poem by Hafez, by telling
    him how Iranian women were granted the right to vote
    ten years before their Swiss counterparts, or about the
    harmonious cohabitation of Christian belltowers and
    Muslim minarets in Tehran. But Andreas isn’t easily
    fooled. Before Maziar could even begin, his interreligious
    dialogue finished head first in the sawdust. Hats off to
    Switzerland who takes the trophy for the biggest brute.

    Brute

  • Body

    Body

    Body

  • Infantery

    Infantery

    Dear readers, you undoubtedly remember that satirical
    postcard dated 1913, just before Europe went up in
    flames. It depicts Emperor Wilhelm II of Germany
    speaking to the Swiss president : “ You have a million
    soldiers. What would you do if I sent you two million ? ”
    “ Well, Your Majesty ”, answered the president, “ We would
    each shoot twice ”. Oh yes, our shooters’ reputation was
    already legendary. Today still, armed with a 1911 carbine
    or a SIG 550, they can hit a hazelnut at 300 meters.
    That, multiplied by a million rifles, just about covers the
    distance from the earth to the moon and, filbert-wise,
    some 20,000 jars of Nutella, no small feat. Our military
    strategists will tell you that this strike force allowed us to
    avoid two world wars. True, but, unfortunately, the world
    changes. Instead of Prussian helmets, our national
    team faces the Yankees today. And, as luck would have
    it, Matthew Carrington, Jr. has taken out his .50 caliber
    Barret M82, with which he claims he can wipe out a
    moving camel at three kilometers. Having no reason to
    doubt his words, Mirco Luca of Zurich begins a discreet
    strategic retreat. He has understood what our banks
    only realized when it was too late : “ Don’t f… with the
    USA ! ” and, although it almost breaks his heart, he gives
    the victory to Texas.

    Infantery

  • Infantery

    Infantery

    Dear readers, you undoubtedly remember that satirical
    postcard dated 1913, just before Europe went up in
    flames. It depicts Emperor Wilhelm II of Germany
    speaking to the Swiss president : “ You have a million
    soldiers. What would you do if I sent you two million ? ”
    “ Well, Your Majesty ”, answered the president, “ We would
    each shoot twice ”. Oh yes, our shooters’ reputation was
    already legendary. Today still, armed with a 1911 carbine
    or a SIG 550, they can hit a hazelnut at 300 meters.
    That, multiplied by a million rifles, just about covers the
    distance from the earth to the moon and, filbert-wise,
    some 20,000 jars of Nutella, no small feat. Our military
    strategists will tell you that this strike force allowed us to
    avoid two world wars. True, but, unfortunately, the world
    changes. Instead of Prussian helmets, our national
    team faces the Yankees today. And, as luck would have
    it, Matthew Carrington, Jr. has taken out his .50 caliber
    Barret M82, with which he claims he can wipe out a
    moving camel at three kilometers. Having no reason to
    doubt his words, Mirco Luca of Zurich begins a discreet
    strategic retreat. He has understood what our banks
    only realized when it was too late : “ Don’t f… with the
    USA ! ” and, although it almost breaks his heart, he gives
    the victory to Texas.

    Infantery

  • Robidog

    Robidog

    Robidog

  • Robidog

    Robidog

    Robidog

  • Transport

    Transport

    Transport

  • Transport

    Transport

    Transport

  • Dress code

    Dress code

    After all of the virile brutes that you have encountered
    in this book, our national team continues its global
    tournament along the more refined lines of the winter
    fashion collection. You think Switzerland will win, hands
    down ? Just a second, naive little sable ! As for wildlife
    protection, we almost lost a point to the Afghan team.
    It was a miracle that we were able to eliminate the
    local representative of the Animal Rights Society from
    the jury. He would have undoubtedly sided with the
    Taliban fashionistas. Luckily, since the theme of the
    winter collection was to disguise women as gunny
    sacks, the Swiss still have a chance of winning the
    match. Despite an honorable offensive of the “ Tobacco ”
    and “ White Virgin ” models of burka-jump suits, crystal
    fox and golden mink have made our well-to-do Swiss
    frauleins even more massive and less sexy than those
    hot little oriental flirts ! The moral of the story is that
    where the Taliban have failed, the synergy of fat bank
    accounts and the globalized seal hunt has succeeded
    in transforming the most beautiful Amazons into
    fur-covered brick outhouses. Christian males will no
    longer face temptation on the way to church services or
    Sunday mass, and can congratulate themselves on this
    new Swiss victory.

    Dress code

  • Dress code

    Dress code

    After all of the virile brutes that you have encountered
    in this book, our national team continues its global
    tournament along the more refined lines of the winter
    fashion collection. You think Switzerland will win, hands
    down ? Just a second, naive little sable ! As for wildlife
    protection, we almost lost a point to the Afghan team.
    It was a miracle that we were able to eliminate the
    local representative of the Animal Rights Society from
    the jury. He would have undoubtedly sided with the
    Taliban fashionistas. Luckily, since the theme of the
    winter collection was to disguise women as gunny
    sacks, the Swiss still have a chance of winning the
    match. Despite an honorable offensive of the “ Tobacco ”
    and “ White Virgin ” models of burka-jump suits, crystal
    fox and golden mink have made our well-to-do Swiss
    frauleins even more massive and less sexy than those
    hot little oriental flirts ! The moral of the story is that
    where the Taliban have failed, the synergy of fat bank
    accounts and the globalized seal hunt has succeeded
    in transforming the most beautiful Amazons into
    fur-covered brick outhouses. Christian males will no
    longer face temptation on the way to church services or
    Sunday mass, and can congratulate themselves on this
    new Swiss victory.

    Dress code

  • Cowhide

    Cowhide

    The days are getting longer, spring has sprung, the
    birds are chirping – the moment has finally come to
    bring the pride and joy of our nation into the ring of
    our visual tournament. There are ten of them – sweet,
    gentle and clean. They graze soundlessly in our
    pastures, from Echallens to Osterfingen. And so our
    cows find themselves in the finals, pitted against the
    most formidable bovine pack that the prairie has ever
    known – milk drinker’s honor – bona fide pitbulls with
    horns. Enter the team from Texas. A one-sided contest if
    ever there was one ! Ours are there, still sluggish after a
    long winter but already wrapped in their silky coat, silky
    and poetic because of the maps of imaginary continents
    etched into their tender fleece. Sweet Lord, what
    innocence emanates from this Swiss team that rubs
    noses and calls each other by name – Marguerite, Maïsli,
    Sultane, Mafalda, Isabella, Irene, Riga, Anya, Edelweiss,
    Heidi. But the time of reckoning has come, its cruelty
    thankfully hidden behind a cloud of dust that rises
    from the battlefield. Some horns, some tails emerge.
    Alas, American. Some flanks as well, pumped up with
    steroids, a tad hairy, no soul, no name, just a number,
    just a cowhide. What a slaughter.

    Cowhide

  • Cowhide

    Cowhide

    The days are getting longer, spring has sprung, the
    birds are chirping – the moment has finally come to
    bring the pride and joy of our nation into the ring of
    our visual tournament. There are ten of them – sweet,
    gentle and clean. They graze soundlessly in our
    pastures, from Echallens to Osterfingen. And so our
    cows find themselves in the finals, pitted against the
    most formidable bovine pack that the prairie has ever
    known – milk drinker’s honor – bona fide pitbulls with
    horns. Enter the team from Texas. A one-sided contest if
    ever there was one ! Ours are there, still sluggish after a
    long winter but already wrapped in their silky coat, silky
    and poetic because of the maps of imaginary continents
    etched into their tender fleece. Sweet Lord, what
    innocence emanates from this Swiss team that rubs
    noses and calls each other by name – Marguerite, Maïsli,
    Sultane, Mafalda, Isabella, Irene, Riga, Anya, Edelweiss,
    Heidi. But the time of reckoning has come, its cruelty
    thankfully hidden behind a cloud of dust that rises
    from the battlefield. Some horns, some tails emerge.
    Alas, American. Some flanks as well, pumped up with
    steroids, a tad hairy, no soul, no name, just a number,
    just a cowhide. What a slaughter.

    Cowhide

  • Road

    Road

    Road

  • Road

    Road

    Road

  • Final sprint

    Final sprint

    The least we can say, dear readers, is that the Swiss
    certainly created a stir ! Seventeen matches, 11 victories,
    two ties. The final score speaks for itself. The surprise is
    complete and nothing less than glory awaits our teams
    at the outcome of the last battle of this great visual
    tournament, as soon as Dylan Bochatay has crossed
    the finish line with his mythical schuss. Nothing like a
    challenge to bring a team together : the more formidable
    the opponent, the greater its determination, team spirit
    and skill. Dylan’s on a roll. The schuss is a metaphor for
    Swiss ‘zeitgeist’ : impetuous, daring, free – the schusser
    embodies wanderlust, the love of a challenge, as well as
    the technique and discipline necessary to stay on track.
    Dylan skillfully slaloms between the pine trees, despite
    the forest of electric guitars erected by the team from
    Beijing to try to distract him. And for good reason. These
    bad boys aren’t really what they appear to be. Instead
    of a gothic war-song, the words sung by the singer
    Zhao Hui are literally : “ Listen to what your mother says.
    Brush your teeth ! ” Contrary to the stereotype that we
    have of them in Europe, the Chinese love a good joke.
    But this time, it’s the Swiss team that has the last laugh :
    Switzerland versus the World, victory by KO in the 17th
    round. Swiss honor is saved and we’re well on the road
    to another 700 years of peace. We will finally be able to
    improve the recipe for bircher muesli and contemplate
    the mysteries of the universe at our leisure.

    Final sprint

  • Final sprint

    Final sprint

    The least we can say, dear readers, is that the Swiss
    certainly created a stir ! Seventeen matches, 11 victories,
    two ties. The final score speaks for itself. The surprise is
    complete and nothing less than glory awaits our teams
    at the outcome of the last battle of this great visual
    tournament, as soon as Dylan Bochatay has crossed
    the finish line with his mythical schuss. Nothing like a
    challenge to bring a team together : the more formidable
    the opponent, the greater its determination, team spirit
    and skill. Dylan’s on a roll. The schuss is a metaphor for
    Swiss ‘zeitgeist’ : impetuous, daring, free – the schusser
    embodies wanderlust, the love of a challenge, as well as
    the technique and discipline necessary to stay on track.
    Dylan skillfully slaloms between the pine trees, despite
    the forest of electric guitars erected by the team from
    Beijing to try to distract him. And for good reason. These
    bad boys aren’t really what they appear to be. Instead
    of a gothic war-song, the words sung by the singer
    Zhao Hui are literally : “ Listen to what your mother says.
    Brush your teeth ! ” Contrary to the stereotype that we
    have of them in Europe, the Chinese love a good joke.
    But this time, it’s the Swiss team that has the last laugh :
    Switzerland versus the World, victory by KO in the 17th
    round. Swiss honor is saved and we’re well on the road
    to another 700 years of peace. We will finally be able to
    improve the recipe for bircher muesli and contemplate
    the mysteries of the universe at our leisure.

    Final sprint

  • Scout

    Scout

    Scout